Riddle Me This

It's times like this that the internet is actually damaging to your wellbeing. Due to some ideal banter on Twitter I was forwarded this by @meganagitor:

ZAHADA

Up until clicking that, myself and Nat have been sitting on the sofa, in PJs, happily eating brunost on toast, using our laptops whilst watching The Two Towers. Occasionally one will warn the other that 'its the bit where the trees fight' and there'll be a momentary change of attention towards the telly. Then this link appeared and all focus has moved to wasting time we'll never get back on a series of riddles that, all in all, will never ever benefit my life ever. Nor are they particularly enjoyable, but due to my completest nature and the need to not be beaten by a machine for fear its how the Matrix will begin, means I've been scrabbling my brains over it for an hour now.

Despite being hooked, its a constant concern for me as to why anyone ever makes riddles anyway. Its just irritating. Sure back in the days when they didn't have encoding, passwords and PINSentry then ok, you probably needed to be sure you guard Thebes with some sort of security. Although if you are a giant Sphinx then I don't see why you needed people to answer a riddle incorrectly before you kill them anyway. I mean, you've got a giant cat body and a human head, just twat anyone you don't like. Because otherwise riddles are just smug. I don't care 'what has twelve eyes and speaks twice, but backwards is a dingy' or whatever. Why can't you just say 'What's your mother's maiden name?' Or 'what was the name of your first pet?' and we'll all be done with it.

Actually, saying that, and its as though a small lightbulb has popped above my head while typing this, a wonderful way for savings accounts to work would be to pose a riddle instead of a security question if you tried to withdraw money. That way you would save a lot more. If I tried to get £100 out to buy a box set of some 80's cartoon knowing full well it should go towards my eventual purchase of a car/ holiday/ mansion/ speed boat/ laser but was posed with ' On Monday its twelvty, but on Saturday its barren. Twice is its face and but Thrice is its mace, what is it?' then I'd just give up and leave it there to gain interest. Maybe, just maybe, I've solved the financial crisis.

I'm going to invent all my own riddles that have answers that don't make sense but work in my head and then sell them to the banks to give to a giant Sphinx that sits outside their stock exchange and doesn't let them fiddle with it unless they answer it correctly. If they don't, the Sphinx eats them. Er, excuse me David Cameron, step your elitist evil arse to one side, the Douieb runs tings now. Here's some examples of the kind of riddles I'd give. If you know the answers, please leave comments below:

1) Once I was a soldier, I fought on foreign lands for you, but twice I am an egg cup, three times a lady, George The Fourth Bridge, yes please. Who is my dad?

2) A man stands on his hands whilst playing in a band. Who are his band supporting on 12th July 2012?

3) No?

Good luck with squirming round those mental shitstorms. My work for the day is done. Its been found through the powers of google that parts of Zahada only work on a PC and I have a Mac because I'm all arty and cool. This also means I can pretend I would've got to level six billion where the Riddler himself does a lapdance for you because you're so clever, but as I can't I'll just watch a dwarf and and elf take bets on who can kill the most orcs.