Wednesday, December 31, 2008

In 1942, I invented the shoe

Its New Years Eve today, and does anyone give much of a fuck? It might just be age but I can no longer think of a worse way to spend my NYE than to pay hundreds of money for something that will never be as much fun as you want it to be, not get you drunk enough or get you so drunk you cant see in the New Year as you are completely blind, and then queue for a day just to get a bus home with lots of people you hate. All of these people will be doing things like vomiting, groping each other or wanting to to wish you a Happy New Year even though they wont ever see you again, wont give a shit about your year in twenty four hours and if you had said something even half as friendly to them on the bus several weeks before would have thought you were a Jesus freak. If you meet anyone like this tonight, do make a point of taking contact details and chasing them up on a weekly basis to ask how their year is going. I guarantee you, they wont like it. 

So tonight my girlfriend and I are staying in, cooking a massive Thai meal and watching Jools Holland be massively uncool in a cool way in that way only he is able to do. I've never understood how you can make dad-like statements one minute then jam with brilliant people the next. I bet his children are very confused about whether to be embarrassed about him or not. I like to think that by seeing in the New Year without a hangover its a sign for the rest of the year. Of course that sign may well be that I will continue to have no friends and not go out socially ever again. That would be a bad sign.

Two good things happened yesterday. One of these was that we bought a new blender. Blenders are brilliant. They are one of the most enjoyable kitchen appliances you can get, because with one button press you chop stuff into smithereens. So far some bananas and peanut butter have suffered for the sake of a milkshake, both of which are pretty easy for some blades. I will slowly up the anti until they are forced to deal with wood and lumps of titanium.

The other good thing was the Shooting Stars special being much better than I thought it would be. Some of the show did seem a little forced and I thought Jack Dee overplayed the miserable man much more than he needed, although its possible that it could have been caused by him watching an episode of Lead Balloon just before they filmed. The lack of the dove from above and the club singing was also an error on their part. However George Dawes was amazing. Why isnt Matt Lucas even a tenth that funny on Little Britain? I now believe that its all Walliams fault and he obviously sucks Lucas's funny out because after watching that song there is definitely funny there. How he sucks it out we will never know. The invention song was brilliant and will now take place in comedy history. If you missed it, its here:

The documentary before it was good, but it was a shame Lamarr wasn't on it. He took part in what was easily the best Shooting Stars challenge ever which they somehow managed not to show despite its greatness. I leave you with this today, have a Happy New Year and all that. 

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Blog The First

I've spent the last five days in some sort of booze and food related stupor having consumed at least my own and several other large people's body weights in nosh. In fact, if you are wondering where your own body weight in food has gone, its highly likely I've had it. Im sorry. When I am trying to eat less over the next few weeks, you can eat my body mass in food. Don't feel cheated just because I am shorter than you.

This unnecessary but very festive binge has done no wonders for my brain at all. I had set out this week to blitz through a few writing projects I have to do, not least a solo show I'm meant to be previewing in February. Well done me for giving myself scarily unattainable deadlines knowing full well there will be at least one hour of 2009 that I will have to regret by 2010. That will be as well as the few hours where I will no doubt do something regrettable on my birthday in a week or so, due to attempting to block out the knowledge of aging with lots of beer. Inevitably this will instead make aging extremely obvious the next day when I wake up realising full well I, and my aged liver, can no longer handle the pain of a hangover without hiding under a duvet and whining like a maimed dog for coffee and Nurofen. Incidentally, Nurofen has taken a back seat to Anadin in recent times. The latter seems to contain higher levels of caffeine, so that once the headache is gone I become the irritating wanker that is far too sprightly the next day and can make everyone else's hangovers much worse. There is nothing to make you feel better than other people feeling terrible.

New Years Resolutions are for people who are unable to use their own will power without a kick off point. As a clever ploy so not to seem weak, I am starting some things as of today and some as of next week. This blog is today's target. From henceforth this shall become a daily chore. To spur me into writing mode I'm going to try and spurt nonsense in a font on a daily basis, every daily until I die, we are taken over by robots, all the computers and the interwebs explode, or I simply stop bothering. One of those things will happen, its just a matter of time.

One of the other targets are to get a bit healthier. I felt out of breath after putting our food shopping away today, and that is the pinnacle of fatness. The problem is that I like food and I think its a massive crime against humankind that fat, sugar and other bad stuff taste great and healthy food tastes shit. Anyone who's religious should look at that fact and realise that there can't be a God when thats the case. The bland sick taste of oatmeal proves without doubt religion is lies.

My last target is to survive the recession without having to live in a box, or worse, back at my parents' house. I read an article on a website today recommending ways to get extra money in the credit crunch and one suggestion was taking part in medical trials. I am now avidly trying to find one that will make me both healthier and pay me, so I can hit two birds with a massive hammer in the face. Fingers crossed I don't instead end up with a huge elephant man like face. Still, it would mean your share of food the size of my body weight would increase, so its not all bad.