Once again I am gracing the tables of a corporate coffee selling whore in order to be part of the world wide web. Whilst its irritating not being able to lie in bed and find out via wikipedia just what is the biggest sort of dog and who died yesterday in 1793, it does provide many a bonus. Firstly, I don't waste time trying to find out banal facts about the biggest sorts of dog or who died yesterday in 1793. Secondly, and more importantly, I get to overhear really interesting conversations. Today, opposite me, are two men in suits who are discussing something very important. Its obviously important as they keep saying things about 'public sector' and 'global means'. I however have decided for my own enjoyment that they are talking about top hats for pets. This is an amazing game to play as so far it has made everything they've said with their big serious faces oh so very funny. Examples are ' we have a really important product right here', 'your company are in bed with this sort of thing aren't they?' and ' we'll have to talk to some very big distribution companies, this is going to be global.' You should try it. Its one of several new games I've invented for 2011 to stop my ever bored mind from drifting into other territories such as seeing what things look like when they are on fire.
New game 1:
When someone says 'I'm all ears', shout 'Oh Dear God! Its a giant ear monster! Run as he can hear you coming for miles!' Then scream and run away. This is lots of fun.
New game 2:
When you hear people talking to themselves, pretend they are giving you instructions and you have to follow all their instructions to the last word. So far today, thanks to three odd people all by Euston station, I have to 'keep to the left or die', 'fight fight Jesus, fight him, fight him' and 'pish pish pish pish pish'. I have only done two wees today, so halfway through one of them. The others I'm working on, but have now nearly been run over twice and been shouted at by two priests.
New game 3:
Not a new game, but I intend to play it more this year. When someone says 'tell me about it', proceed to tell them all about it. Every single last detail, as lengthy and as boring as you can get. This will make them angry and as a result, you happy.
If you have any new games, let me know. If we try hard enough we'll get them into the Olympics in time for next year. In other news yesterday myself and my friend Honour witnessed a proper fight in a pub. I've never seen one of these before and contrary to belief no chairs were thrown, nobody stopped playing the piano (there wasn't a piano which didn't help), and at no point was it relevant for any one else in the pub to get involved and throw someone threw a window (which was lucky as it was one floor up). It was an odd thing to see. From what I gathered one man did something really petty to another man involving a) either pushing past and saying something rude or b) saying something rude or c) pushing past him. Essentially it appeared to be something that on a normal basis with normal people who aren't looking for a fight / dicks, it would have been left alone and everyone would carry on with things. However, this incident caused another man who had a face that looked like Mr Gumby from Monty Python if he had been hit square on in the nose with a stick, to shout stuff about 'how dare you say that to my brother' before doing some punches. The other man instead of making everything better by saying 'sorry' just punched back. Then some bar men stepped in and said things like 'calm down mate' which neither did, then a pint was thrown and it went over a lady who had nothing to do with it. She giggled a bit, then felt her back and frowned, then giggled again. Then another man did some shouting. All the while everyone else in the pub was staring, sniggering like children in a playground and then leaving via the other exit. It all felt rather exciting.
I view these sorts of things from two perspectives. Firstly, like some sort of nature program. I will never ever understand just why you would punch someone instead of sort something out. I mean, there are people I'd like to punch, and there are situations such as being chased by a shark, where a punch is necessary. Mostly though we have mouths and words come out of those mouths and so there is rarely a situation when the right words don't seem to sort things out. You've probably gathered I'm not a fighter in any way, shape or indeed form. I'd like to say I'm a lover instead but I think truth be told I'm just a hider or loser. I have experienced a few fighty moments in my life and all the way through each and every one of them my brain has been wondering 'sorry how have we got here? This all seems a bit unnecessary.' So witnessing these men with no reasons to make each other angry, make each other angry, fascinates me. Am I missing out something? Should I be approaching more situations with extreme violence? Would it be quicker than repeating 'no I just want to check my bank balance' over the phone 17 times? Or are they missing something? Like the ability to vocalise their life's frustrations without doing fisty time? I'll never know. Mostly because after three more minutes I viewed the situation from my other favourite fight perspective, which was from outside as far away from it all as possible.
Unless of course they were just playing a new game for 2011 too? Perhaps its called 'how to empty a pub awkwardly in 10 mins'. If so, I'll avoid that one. Or play it differently such as wearing a big sombrero, shorts and dancing and singing with a cat in each hand. Oooh sombreros for cats. I may suggest that to the businessmen....
Last quick notes:
Here is a round up of comedy in 2010 from londonisfunny.com and I'm proud to have been part of what was easily the weirdest gig of the year:
SOME THINGS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED - LONDONISFUNNY.COM
I wrote about it in my blog at the time if you can be arsed to find it.
Lastly, this very nice man Dan Mindless said in his funny blog that 'Littlest Things' was his favourite comedy show of 2010, which is lovely of him:
Should you want to come and see it to see if he's right, I'm doing it for the last time ever ever on Jan 24th at the Etcetera Theatre. Tickets be here:
LITTLEST THINGS - 24th JAN ETCETERA THEATRE