Sometimes I worry about how much I've indulged zombie literature, films, media and survival tactics against the undead in general over the last few years. Sure its all been fun and should an undead apocalypse happen I feel that I'd probably survive a good deal greater than those who have no idea of the best household implement to use to attack a zombie's brain or haven't already scoured their nearby area for best hiding holes, food supplies and fuel. At the same time, while all of this may well be the reason I end up being humanities last saviour (this is unlikely in general. It will probably be Craig Campbell), it is also hugely unhealthy to have all these sorts of thoughts as you are sitting on a W3 and there are what seems to be hordes of riotous schoolchildren outside all trying to sneak on the bus, bang on the windows and generally cause mayhem in a way that would make the walking dead seem mostly tame. As the bus pulled into its stop at the bottom of Ferne Park Road, a swarm of heads atop black and white uniform piled in through all possible doors, as I sat at the back of the bus and all I could think to myself was that if I knocked the heads off the three nearest to me to clear a path, I could then throw the child sitting next to me into the middle of them as bait while I pushed open the emergency door. Failing that I could throw the child next to me into them first, then kick out the back window and escape round the side of the bus. Or as a last resort I could use the child next to me as a battering ram, charge directly into them hoping my speed and violence would help me to avoid getting marked or scarred in way so that I too didn't turn into an obnoxious teenager, then make my way to the top of the bus where I could break out of any window, leap onto the bus stop below, scream 'This is Sparta!' for the sake of it and sprint off towards Crouch End.
Of course this wouldn't actually help matters and sadly for the poor kid next to me, their fate would be sealed whatever happened. I couldn't bear to tell her this and she chewed on her own earmuffs while her mother looked sadly on hoping that by this stage she may well be playing the piano, speaking French or reading Proust instead of munching away on Winter wear. There are always victims in these sorts of situations and if she continues to eat synthetic fur she'll die soon anyway so it only seems fair. I didn't do any of this of course. Instead I watched as they took over the bus like a plague, ringing the bell multiple times for each stop because they thought it was funny, pushing each other and generally making everyone wish they'd got the bus at least 30 minutes earlier. I had a small reality check where I assured myself I was like that at their age and that I had no reason to scowl. Then I realised that despite them coming from the same school I went to, I was never like that, and continued visibly scowling which meant they all moved out of my way anyway. Apart from one particularly tall and rotund girl who didn't seem to want to budge for anyone. Luckily I had a bag with two very pointy boxes of trainers in and proceeded to just lightly stab the backs of her knees with it till she muttered something rude and moved quickly out of the way.
I'm not sure when I became like this. I have always though of myself as someone who can see the good in people. Last night for example, at a very excellent gig for the Yes To A Fairer Vote people, I had to deal with a heckler at the very top of the show. His name was Martin and I had been warned that he liked to get up in meetings and make a lot of racket about things. It was all very left wing, good natured racket, but a disruptive one nonetheless. His grey hair and duffel coat made me wonder if he was indeed the class raconteur back in the day, but here in amongst modern day activists he could only be heard if he shouted stupid things. Then before the show started when I did the 5 minute call he immediately started yelling things at me and calling himself Martin the Matador. I very politely told him not to. He then was pervy to one of the organisers and I decided he must be dealt with. So the first few minutes of the show were me insulting a man who was not a comedy regular, didn't realise that this was any different from a rally meeting and subsequently looked stupid. I then felt very bad as the whole point of the gig was unity and working together to change the voting system and country for the better, yet here I was ruining this already for a man who probably thought his intentions were right. If he had been a right wing advocator or even just a trouble maker it would have felt better. Instead he was just a bit sad and subsequently left half way through the show. Still, that makes me the winner.
So there I am feeling sorry for a man who was generally being a twat, yet if you had replaced him with any of the school children on today's bus, I'd have quickly yelled several swear words without second thought and felt good about it. Odd. Maybe, just maybe, I've become agist, ironically, in my older age. I look forward to the day I get much older and just hate everyone younger than me. Oh wait, maybe that's what had happened to Martin. Poor man.
Incidentally, the gig last night was superb and after my ill educated blog yesterday I can say I fully understand the benefits of AV. Sure it may not change the country as much as we'd like but its another significant step towards making things better and gaining some power back for the public. If the reasons on www.yestofairervotes.org don't sway you then at least look at the fact that No to AV's advocators are David Cameron and Rupert Murdoch among many others and their advertising campaign involves saying that if we vote for voting reform, premature babies won't get incubators. This is said despite all facts proving that money used for a new voting system a) won't cost very much and b) won't have any impact on the NHS at all. Ironic considering just how few babies will get the incubators they need when the Coalition are done tearing the health service to shreds anyway. So if you are for a bunch of rich people who use overly ludicrous lies to promote their opinion then fair dos. Otherwise I'd say you should do a bit of research and vote wisely on May 5th. There, I've said my bit. I'm now off to punch school children.
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