Sunday, March 13, 2011

Pet Likes

Its often said that people are like their dogs, yet watching Crufts this morning I can't see any of those pedigree owners running through hoops and allowing their fur to be curled in the way they force upon their pets. Its an odd idea of love when small animals that have little choice are groomed and trained so their normally lonely and otherwise pointlessly existing owners can project their own failures onto the successes of their canine friends. Saying that, its bloody entertaining and the flat has been filled with giggles as small dogs catch tennis balls or run through tunnels. I'm fairly sure that were dogs ever to exist as free animals in nature again that these wouldn't be their normal past times. Running through woods to find wild squeaky toys and savage rouge packs of pedigree chum. It strikes me as strange that someone one day decided that all their natural instincts were obviously wrong and these animals should really be bred to dance on two hind legs while their owner claps like a damaged seal. We had several conversations about what dog we'd get as a flat, but everytime it concluding with the possibility of Craine dropping things on it, sitting on it, not feeding it, setting it on fire or generally just preventing it from living for longer than a week. There was also an audible sigh of misery when the notion of having to walk such an animal was mentioned. I think its safe to say we won't be venturing into such pet based depths. A few days ago Tom mentioned the notion of fish, but again outside of wanting our home to become some sort of watery morgue, we have vetoed the idea. I'm starting to worry about if Tom and Nat ever have kids and how long it will be before it turns out they haven't been fed for 6 days and Tom keeps misplacing one in the fridge or behind the sofa.

An animal of a different kind, I went to watch Kid Koala last night. Ok, so he's not an animal at all, but I felt the need to create a link in this blog like I might do with a heap of material that doesn't quite fit together when I'm performing it on stage. Sure I could've just made separate headings but where is the challenge in that? Also I'm sure dogs and koalas are linked somewhere on the evolutionary scale. They both have eyes. I have been a fan of Kid Koala for years and years but haven't seen him live since about 2005 where I remember him scratching 8 different turntables at once, each playing a different jazz instrument, until combined it formed a whole new jazz piece. It left me more confused and in awe than seeing Derren Brown spontaneously combusting a goat with his mind. I haven't seen that, but I bet it would leave me pretty confused and in awe. Some people are highly cynical about scratch DJing but it's truly amazing art form when done properly. Last night I watched as KK mixed track after track, hip hop into Karen O, Somewhere Over the Rainbow into funk, creating whole new beats by mixing tracks together and all the while not wearing headphones. I could never be in tune with music like that and I would put it up there with watching a top class musician play a classical concerto or other equally amazing feats of instrument playing. And to top it all off, he was dressed in a koala onesi and made two people have a pillow fight to his beats.

The Electric, Polar Bear and Mr Thing all did amazing sets too, and drinking beers with my brother (who awesomely sorted tickets out once again. I sometimes feel that the brothers Douieb have worked things out perfectly by spreading our time between comedy and music. He gets me freebies for gigs and I er, hmm, tell him about comedy and watching all this from upstairs at Koko, I realised I very much miss going to good live music gigs. Stand-up rather selfishly, happens at the same time as these things do and I think its mean that everything should be so night based. There isn't enough time in the world. Yesterday at the Comedy Club 4 Kids Stu Goldsmith asked a small child what she'd do if she had a clone and she said she'd send it to school for her. Amazing idea. I'd send mine to either do my comedy gigs or watch live music gigs and report back to me. I'd also use them to mess people up so after they speak to me and turn away I'd suddenly be standing in front of them again. Oh and I'd relearn breakdancing with them so we could do awesome synchronised moves. And I'd get them to try different beard and hairstyles so I didn't look like a dick if they went wrong. I totally want a clone. I feel this blog's gone off on a tangent I hadn't expected, but it's also occurred to me that better than a dog, fish or even koala, I might just get another me. Although I bet I'll come home to find Craine hasn't fed it and I'll find it all grubby and malnourished, sitting in the corner of the room and we'll have to leave it outside a pet shelter in a brown paper bag due to neglect.

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