Twitter is swamped with Comic Relief pledges today and all across the UK people are doing silly things in the name of charity. Even the bank clerk at the desk today was wearing an Arsenal tshirt instead of the usual smart dress. At least I assume she was doing that for Comic Relief. Otherwise standards have seriously dropped. Either way it didn't seem to help her deal with the loony man who's sister was on Dragon's Den and insisted on telling us where its difficult to get Halal meat thanks to all the 'bloody Arabs'. I swiftly left. Anyway, in amongst all this charity goodness, I am doing a normal gig tonight. For money. Do I feel guilty? A bit. I haven't really done much for Comic Relief ever in my life. Today I've text donated a fiver and on Wednesday with my croaky voice I recorded some donation pleas for Radio 3's Red Nose Day airings. They originally asked me to do six of them, but after I rasped my way through the first one , they then decided I should do only three. I then did another one and they told me we were all done and I left, sniffling my way through Western House.
But other than that I haven't really done anything. I don't want to be a cynic as I'm sure Comic Relief does loads and loads for people around the world, but part of me sat at TV centre yesterday, watching as a large poster of Jack Whitehall was being plastered to the outside walls, wondering just why they need to go so over the top with everything. Let's Dance, for example, must cost a shedload to produce. While I don't discredit any of the acts that do it, as it all seems like a lot of fun, but I wonder how much money could be given to the charity if the cameras weren't hired, lighting turned off etc etc. Fair play if its all done at a loss, but sometimes I just question why people need so much encouragement to help others. Do we always need a plethora of celebrities to say 'stop children starving'? Does anyone ever need Chris Moyles on air for any length of time let alone 52 hours? I suppose its just a sad indictment of society rather than anything else.
Still, I feel I should probably contribute more. I have decided via Twitter that I will do various tasks if others donate. So far I've said that I'm meant to be in Bournemouth tonight with Josh Widdicombe and Roisin Conaty, but if someone donates over £2k then I will drive us to their town instead. No response. I will now state that if you donate £3k I will leave either Josh or Roisin at the 7th service station we pass, with no hope of ever getting to the gig on time. Get donating people, and by ruining a gig for people in Bournemouth you could be helping others around the world. Hmm. This seems slightly detrimental doesn't it? Ok. Maybe you should just donate what you like to who you like when you like. Or perhaps give an actual comic 'relief' and send me all your savings? If you like I'll then send you a letter every year telling you exactly what your money has been used for and how I'm doing. Plan?
Alternatively donate some dosh to Red Nose Day. I did it by text because I'm super lazy. I understand you can just text GIVE to 70011 to give a quid, 70005 for a fiver and 70010 for a tenner. Or turn on radio 3 and wait for me to tell you do it whilst seemingly gargling gravel.