Today has not really gone to plan at all. My only gripe with waking up on Valentine's Day as a single man is knowing that having a girlfriend would probably mean I wouldn't have spent last night boozing till the early hours, then wouldn't have got up an hour later than I should, packed my bag in a way that was so badly thought out I ended up punching a jumper in to close it, and wouldn't now be panicking about getting to my flight. That aside, I am hugely pleased to know that while other people are out there stressing about flowers, choccies and how to express their love to each other despite the fact any real relationship wouldn't need to dwell on one over the top tradition in order to express such emotion, I am fucking off to go skiing. Well, boarding actually. And snowboarding at that, which is the most exciting sort. Far better than water. I am guessing all of this of course as I haven't ever been snowboarding and there is a more than high chance that I will break at least one thing while I'm out there. It might be a leg. It might be my face. It might be someone else's face. Who knows? All I know is that I am shit at extreme sports and I aim to embrace this snowboarding lark with the enthusiasm and grace of a drunk bear on a unicycle.
I have delusions that I'll be alright. I can balance at times. I also can stand on a board. I've done that before. And I know how to wear gloves and even bought some snazzy new ones. Yes, I used the word snazzy. Yes, I've become instantly uncool. And yes, this is probably why I'm single on Valentine's Day. I'm hoping that within minutes of using my snazzy new gloves though I do a triple shit death flip extremo on my snowboard because I'm a natural and loop past the slalom flags into the arms of a new love. She'll lift her ski visor, scream at me for nearly killing her, I'll apologise for being piste and we'll giggle then shag. Then I'll stop because it will be cold and demand we go inside. Then she gets eaten by a Yeti. Then I write a book, then it gets made into a film with James McAvoy playing me. That's not who I'd want to play me, but Morgan Freeman will turn it down due to other commitments. Essentially, these next few days are gonna be big.
Must cut this blog short so I can catch a plane. I just want to let you know though that I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day, and I love each and every one of you. Even the weird ones with one giant cyclops eye, the ones who look oddly like giant human weasels and the ones who constantly smell of Toilet Duck. I love you all. Except you. You suck.
There will be a better blog tomorrow unless I've broken my arm.