Saturday, February 12, 2011

Skylight Of Doom

There are certain things you just don't want in a hotel room. A tiger for example. Even if its in a cage, you'll never really sleep soundly if there's a huge pair of predatory cat eyes looking at you as though its only a matter of time before you're food. A huge turd. No one ever wants one of those lying on the pillow next to the complimentary chocolate and the breakfast menu. The other thing you never ever want in a hotel room IS A BIG FUCKING SKYLIGHT WITH NO BLIND OR CURTAIN SO THAT EVERY OUNCE OF LIGHT PENETRATES INTO YOUR EYELIDS AND TRAVELS THROUGH TO YOUR SOUL UNTIL YOU ARE CRYING AT 6.30AM HAVING ONLY GONE TO BED AT 4 FOR SOMETHING TO SAVE YOU FROM THE SHINING EVIL THAT'S POURING THROUGH THE WINDOW. Guess what the room I'm currently sitting in has? I had a dog and his name was Bingo. On top of that, despite being in what's regarded as a classy hotel built into an old country manor, with acres of golf courses, a steam room and jacuzzi area and various other hospitable treats, I have to share a room with Carl Donnelly. I have nothing against Carl and I'd even go so far as to say that if I had to choose a comic to share a room with, he'd be in the top 5. Its more that, as he perfectly put it when we weren't given individual keys to our rooms and instead we walk into the smallest part of the family chalet we've all been put in, 'oh good they've got the rider saying that we're 8 years old.' It is partly our fault for getting here late. Tom Deacon quickly bagged a lovely huge room with a double bed to himself, whilst Ian Smith claimed the nice double room with its own onsuite, and so, playing the shotgun rules correctly, we are fated to be stuck together in what appears to be a mini stadium of light, both exclaiming 'FUCK OFF' at the window in the early hours of the morning. I suppose it was nice to share that grief with someone.

I can't complain too much. Its great when the other acts on the bill are all top people, and last night's gig was fun, if a tad mental. A man looking exactly like the Kingpin from Marvel Comics' Daredevil stories, called Walter, told me at the end of the night that we were the first 'alternative comedy' evening he'd ever been too. I asked him if he had ever been to comedy before and he told me he used to love Bernard Manning, before telling us that they had all loved tonight's show. Its a wonderful backhanded compliment something like that, and I've had such like it before. People telling me they love Jim Davidson, but thought I was great etc etc. There is a part of me that feels like we are champions for opening up someone's mind to the possibilities of comedy that is more exciting and interesting than a fat bigot saying racist things. Then again, there is another part of me that becomes hugely concerned that my comedy can entertain someone who likes fat bigots saying racist things. Perhaps I'd be better off if he'd hated me.

The owners of the hotel chain were there last night and treated us all to booze until the very early hours of the morning, myself and Tom staying out slightly longer than Carl. We heard tales of the hotel being featured on Most Haunted, and the nearby pet cemetery, there were many chats about the comedy world and Ian said somethings that could get him arrested. As I stumbled back to the room and climbed into bed, I felt something very odd sticking into my ear as I lay down. Had Carl taken this room sharing notion too far? No, he'd kindly laid a banana and one and a half bourbons on my pillow as an ill placed nighttime gift. Perhaps sharing a room isn't too bad. Next time I will make sure I am forewarned so I can bring PJs, horror films and marshmellows and do it properly. Oh and a series of dark curtains, a hammer and nails so that I never have to curl over like a burning vampire when the sunlight hits my face at normal people waking up time.

Not a lot to say today, but I just wanted to finish off this blog by saying well done to the Egyptian people. They truly are an inspiration to the world, and prove that really fighting and rallying for what you believe works. I hope that country now thrives as the democracy they've fought for and doesn't just have another US puppet placed in charge for another 30 years of the same. It made me laugh that Cameron was quoted as saying such things as Egyptians have a 'precious opportunity to move towards a civilian & democratic rule' and that the Egyptian leaders 'have a duty to reflect the views of the people. If he were an animal it'd be a double standard. No I don't know what that is either, but in my head it seemed funnier than saying 'hippo-crit'. It probably wasn't. I should've called him a slimy, smug faced prick and be done with it. I hope Cameron, that you saw what Egypt did and it evoked fear into your heart as you got a small vision of a UK in 8 months from now, where hoards and hoards of people are chanting for you to leave. I'm not sure it'll happen, but it needs to. And while Mubarak can skive off to Sharm El Sheik for a lovely seaside rest post resignation, it'd be great to see Cameron having to skulk to Margate to spend his last few hated days eating over salted chips and dodging washed up used condoms. Condems. Tee hee.

I am so tired.

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