Here's how I like to start my day usually, and feel to butt in with comments such as 'you lazy arse' or other such derivatives. I like to get up without an alarm, my natural body clock usually serving the purpose of working entirely in sync with my regime of not actually having a regime. This is then followed by eating whatever is in the kitchen and can possibly be considered breakfast time food, before sloping around in my PJs till I decide to do otherwise. As far as I'm concerned, mornings are there to be embraced like a big fat man hugging a small cat. Slowly, but with the knowing that should I need to snap its neck into action, I could. This morning took my ideals and pissed in their singular idyllic face with a cocktail of out of the ordinary moments. I'll spare you my gripes and groans of the ills of waking up early or commuting the rat race as many of you will just continue the shouts you made earlier only louder and with more venom like a big ole shouty snake person. No, I don't know why that popped in my mind either. Its a scary image though. The forked tongue and fangs really don't suit you. Anyway, what I meant to say was that at 10am this morning I was beginning my day walking around infront of a camera in nowt but a pair of skimpy red yfronts - ladies? - a ginger wig - ladies? - and then snogging a very pretty blonde 24 year old girl - don't worry ladies, it was nothing serious. I'd love to say that's just how I roll. Like a Lib Dem MP from the late 90's. But no, it was the level I was willing to go lower to for the sake of an advert casting.
Its a lovely idea that stand-ups shouldn't do adverts due to personal principles and that stand-up - as I do often harp on - is the last bastion of freedom of speech and we shouldn't bow down to The Man just for oodles of cash. But, and its a big hairy but, if that oodles of cash comes from advertising something you are not morally against, and could possibly save your year financially just for hanging around in your pants and kissing a pretty girl for three days in Milan, then strap me to the Man so I can lick his face. Regardless of morals in terms of taking such offers were they to come through, the biggest issues I had were a) why was I so blahzay about stripping off to my pants in front of two men and woman I didn't know, and b) the trials and tribulations of kissing a rather sexy lady - who I might add was fairly, er, method about her acting - whilst only wearing this incredibly skimpy pair of aforementioned smalls which, at their best, barely hid any, er, excitement were it to have, ahem, arisen. Needless to say I'm not sure I did very well due to the mix of thoughts concerning both enjoying the moment and trying not to enjoy it too much, all before my brain had fully woken up. The director at one point told me he couldn't see my eyes as they were a tad closed, and I explained that it was early for me and so they weren't yet open. Cue a lack of surprise. Cue me taking a mental note that here was a man who jokingly asked the women in the waiting room to strip to their pants too, and all in all any jokes I may have made would probably not register in his seemingly sex offender mind. After the 'event' I quickly redressed and raced to casting number two, followed closely by the snogee of the piece. It quickly occurred to me that while, from my point of view, I got to get lippy with a hottie, she had had to pucker up to my hairy belly, a ginger wig and those pants. I instantly felt a big guilty and as I held the door open for her, apologised for the way in which her day had to begin. She proffered a rather lovely smile and told me not to be silly, before skipping off. I can only assume that her fantasy is to date a squat Scottish nudist.
Casting two then involved me doing all the dance moves to Kylie Minogue's 'Cant Get You Out Of My Head' to a fairly top comedy director, but by that point al shame had been beaten out of me early on in the day and I could probably have gone on to do several castings involving naked wrestling with pigs or wearing a tutu and shouting lude messages at passers by. Actually, I'd probably enjoy the latter. I'm really not sure what's happened to me, or indeed, my dignity.
Just some quick notes as I'm feeling politically charged today after an evening of shouting at Question Time last night which provided wonderful rage fodder of journalistic fascist Melanie Phillips, Tory twat features Damien Green and Noreen Hertz who occasionally said things I liked but said them all at the pace of a brain damaged tortoise which made me hate her. After some vitriloic tweeting on the matter here are some quick views on recently passed notions by the ConDems:
Big Society - The argument on the Jeremy Vine show on Radio 2 today was of the ilk that why should people complain that there isn't the funding for supporting the 'Big Society' ideal that the government is proposing, when its all based on people helping voluntarily with institutions such as welfare and public services. What at no point did this argument mention was just how ludicrous it is that these multi-millionaire MPs are telling members of the public that they have to give up their own time voluntarily to make society better, when they themselves could help with putting money back into these institutions so properly trained staff and people who need these jobs can do them for a wage. Do they really think any of the thousands upon thousands of unemployed people are sitting there waiting for a voluntary lollipop lady job to come along when they are worrying about how they'll eat, pay their rent or just survive in general now they've been made redundant? Big Society appears to be only correct in that its a big like a neglectful parent telling their child 'your big enough now, you deal with the mess yourself', only failing to point out they've made the mess themselves. Which by the way, is my other huge issue at the moment should you be asking. I know you're not, but its my blog and I'll rant if I want to. My other bug bare - which I always like to think of as a bug bear, or a tiny bear with insect wings - is that the ConDems keep blaming everything that's going on on the previous government. This is fine, some of it was their fault. However, don't keep saying that when you are making it worse. This feels a bit like complaining about a stain on your sofa caused by the previous owner while you take a piss on it. Pathetic. Just fix the problems or fuck off. Grrr. There you go. That's my anger for today. I wanted to rant about forests and libraries as well but I'll save that for tomorrow.