It is the morning after the Chortle Awards, an event, as beautifully described by Sarah Bennetto, as the comedian's works party. There is usually a lot of lovely comics and comedy people there, a handful of crap z-list celebs, the occasional actually awesome celeb, a heap of free booze and a complete lack of care as to who wins anything. Its brilliant and I look forward to it every year. I won't bang on about the ins and outs like a shit version of Heat magazine, or tell you that I met Paul Daniels and Victoria Wood, as that's just dull. Especially after my new found celebrity party status as seen in yesterday's blog. You'll just start to think that I name drop where ever I can and that's what Richard E Grant would've said too if I'd actually spoken to him yesterday. So instead I thought I'd reveal some of the T's foibles. And yes I will refer to myself in third person because a) I'm hungover and I feel like I'm removed from my own head right now and b) because I'm about to type about aforementioned foibles which I'd like to pretend are someone else's issues. I know already some of you are thinking 'But Tiernan, you can't possibly have any downsides, you are the perfect human being? Why shatter our knowledge that you are a man whom the whole world should use as a constant example for humanity?' Yes yes, I know. But even Gods have weaknesses. I hope you read that in the hilarious tone of voice I just said it in my head. If you didn't it would have sounded like the worst and most arrogant thing I've ever written. Which it still is. Either way I like to think its the tagline for the next Clash Of The Titans film, where Zeus pigs out on too many Sour Cream and Chive Pringles before being sick on humanity and causing a tidal wave of vomit that Sam Worthington has to surf on using the body of Medusa. Or something. Anyway, here we go with the list.
I should point out beforehand that these are all indicators that I am indeed drunk. Whether I like it or not Evil Drunk Tiernan has certain qualities normal sober Tiernan would never indulge in. Evil Drunk Tiernan however is an entirely different entity and will indulge in some awful awful things. Here we go:
Evil Drunk Tiernan thing #1: I will drink like a fish. I know fish don't drink, they are already immersed in water, but that is a fairly apt description if you replaced the water with booze and changed 'immersed' to 'drank all of it'. Despite toodling along to the party last night knowing full well I had an audition today that I should get up early and prepare for, I found myself shouting 'get me a cocktail with whisky in it' at some point in the evening with complete disregard for all previous ideals. Two drinks in and I get the thirst and I will consume booze until it all stops, I fall over or implode. I am like a Galactus of the bar. Dangerous.
Evil Drunk Tiernan thing #2: The arm of sleaze. My left arm, despite looking like a normal left arm, is more evil than Knieval. Against my knowledge it quickly finds itself wrapped around many a lady, coiling them in like some sort of terrible boa constrictor. Its horrendous and I treat my arm like a naked version of Emu. It will do bad things when I'm not looking but unlike Rod Hull's abilities, children do not laugh, they just look on in horror. I'm fairly sure its possessed.
Evil Drunk Tiernan thing #3: If at some point in the evening I get your phone number for any reason, not necessarily like that, I will decide to call it at 2 or 3am for a chat. Its some bizarre notion that if I realise you're not around it will click in my head that now I have your digits I'll just check where you are, berate you for not being where I am and then drop my phone. I like to think its caring, but actually its harassment. There's a fine line. Actually its a huge line. I fall over it on regular occasion.
Last night I did all of those things and managed to stamp a cheese covered cracker into the carpet in my bedroom. Sometimes I'm fairly sure I'm a champion.
This has been a small insight into the life of Evil Drunk Tiernan. If you see him around and about please carefully grab him and put him somewhere warm and tuck him up despite what his arm is doing and his demands for booze. Thank you.