Monday, December 27, 2010


This blog is titled after the noise I have made several times today which follows the reoccurring thought of 'I should probably do something today.' The only time it didn't happen was when I somehow convinced myself to go outside and buy vegetables which was bad for all sorts of reasons not least the cold, the ice, the having to communicate with other people and the having to get out of my pajamas. The latter didn't necessarily need to happen, but the cold combined with the distance to nearest grocery receptacle meant that it was the only way forward. I did everything as quickly as possible whilst still not being very quick at all and all conversations had were done at whispering level to avoid using any excess energy or giving off any sort of impression that I might be enjoying myself having contact with other humans. God forbid had any of them asked me how I was or attempted small talk about the weather or I'd have been seconds away from either keeling over or scowling at them like an angry cat before hiding in the corner. I needed vegetables though. I saw on the news this morning that the average UK man has put on 16 pounds in the last 15 years (for people who use the metric system, that's er, some fat. Some fat more than they had before. Oh wait, you actually use pounds don't you? Except when buying things. God its confusing), but I'm fairly sure I've done that in the last 48 hours. I like to think this makes me better than average. I don't think it does though. I think it makes me a fat man. The final straw was last night when my friend Sam came round and despite both periodically taking it in turns to grip our own stomachs and try and aid digestion from the last day or so, it still seemed to be a good idea to order pizza, drink beer and watch the film and all of the extras on the Scott Pilgrim Blu-Ray firstly without, then with commentary. There is an odd feeling of success that comes from knowing you've made someone bring you food on a small bike on a freezing cold bank holiday, just so you can stream deleted scenes - that are very clear as to why they weren't included in the film - into your noggin with no intellectual gain whatsoever.

The final straw came when we'd both finished our glass of whisky with the sort of face you only get from forcing yourself to drink a glass of whisky. Its as though all your features are trying to make themselves as small as possible by crawling towards your mouth for self consumption. Anything to get that burning taste out, including eating your own nose. That was gulped down, it was about 1am and myself and Sam had successfully watched Michael Cera ruin enough shots by laughing a bit in oh so hilarious outtakes for too long. I'm a huge fan of that film, some of the extras are brilliant - the Adult Swim cartoon and the documentary in particular - but please can we all stop finding someone mess up a scene by getting the giggles a suitable 'outtake'? What I want from my outtakes is a series of actually funny misshaps, people ruining shots on purpose, improvised funny lines and someone getting hurt or naked or both and then falling over. Spaced has the best outtakes ever. FACT. If you can't live up to the excellence that was the 'Pump Up The Jam' outtake (fans, you should know what I mean) then back away and leave them the fuck out. Manners. Sam and I had lost the ability to say much, due to overload of cholesterol and alcohol, and with even my ability to gawp at Mary Elizabeth Winstead somewhat waning, it was best to leave it there.

So today, I plan to eat vegetables. That's the extent of it. I've tried to do other things to. There was a very feeble attempt to put a poster up in my room, but the pin wouldn't go in the wall on the first attempt and with all strength lacking from arm, it hurt my finger too much to try again, I made my deflated noise and sat down. I've thought about doing the washing up twice, but left that deciding its definitely the thought that counts. Its the bank holiday after Christmas. No one is meant to do anything. I'm sure its in some book somewhere. International Do Fuck All Day. If not I'll write to the UN and get it registered. Not today of course. Definitely not today. Pfffff.......

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