Thursday, December 30, 2010


Today's blog is all a bit late. I am sorry about this but for most of today the internet didn't work and I was trapped in the past. They didn't do blogging very well in the past. In fact, they didn't do much well in the past except for diseases and horses. They did horses even better than we do them now. Saying that, I reckon horses probably prefer nowadays far more, as they get to lounge around instead of carry some oaf somewhere as he tries to lead them to water despite them not being remotely thirsty and having more of a liking for fizzy pop. I'm glad I don't live in the past. I didn't enjoy the 'net being down. I tried to cheer it up, saying things like 'you're the best web, better than Charlotte's' but it didn't seem to work. In the end I remembered how often it tempts me to google myself in order to make me sad and stopped caring about the 'you have no connection' screen of misery that seems to convey both my lack of wi-fi and also my social inadequacies with everyone else all at once. Instead my real life friend in the flesh and the reality, Jacqui came round and revolutionised my knowledge of toasted cheese sandwich making by putting cheddar, marmite and cream cheese in it. I know. Yes I felt my arteries clog up there and then as I chomped down on the feast of fat, occasionally burning my tongue on tomatoes that had become as hot as the sun its self, but goddamn it was tastylicious. I like to think Beyonce says words like that all the time. Just adds 'licious' on the end of everything. That was 'shitlicious'. That would mean something was bad, but would still sound good because of the 'licious' and everyone would think she was an idiot.

Jacqui also taught me the street slang of 'murk' which means 'kill' and 'jingbang' which means good in a tacky way. I feel like today she arrived in the nick of time to takeover the internet's role of providing me with the sort of information that is entertaining but will either not do anything for my life, or damage me. That's why she's my chum. I'm bloody glad as otherwise my day would have been shouting through the walls at Chilli Bernstein who's internet we are still stealing at the behest of a gangsta style killing for doing so. Luckily we have been promised the future in 2011 when the homehub should finally arrive. Most people are praying 2011 will finally bring jetpacks, a cure for cancer and Robocop, but all the Casa TierNaTom wants is to be able to send a few tweets without causing our laptops to weep battery fluid.

I've gotta cut this blog short here as due to lack of time, its now the moment I have to head to Norwich. No I'm not happy about it either. Saying that I've been stuck in the past all day anyway so heading to East Anglia almost feels appropriate. Arf! Regional humour. Ha? Geddit? Sigh. No, I like Norwich, I just can't be arsed to drive there, do a gig and drive back. I mean, I'd prefer to do all that than drive there, do a gig and then stay there, but I just mean that any effort today whilst filled up on cheese toasties, is more than is wanted. Its bad enough tomorrow has to be spent wondering just how to make my NYE choice of evening the least miserable way to ring in the new year as possible, let alone to decide after having done four hours of driving to do 20 minutes of entertaining. Moan, moan, moan, moan. If I was a painting I'd be the Moaner Lisa. I'm sure it'll be fun really.

Last thingy: Last night's London Improv was excellent. You really should've been there. If you were, well done. If you weren't, you missed, among many other things, goat opera and Joseph's head being interrupted by the voice of Obi Wan. Much much fun. Do come along to one in the New Year.

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