Nothing should happen this week. The fact that by this point already today I've two auditions and now tonight have to do a gig feels a bit like the world is taking the entire ethos of Christ's birthday and ignored it. That is the reason Jesus was born wasn't it? So we could all spend about two weeks eating till we're sick, drinking and generally sleeping a lot? That is why the Three Wise Men sought him out wasn't it? Because they hated having to work through the cold winter without any kind of break whilst all the other animals in the kingdom hibernated? Wasn't Christianity based upon the need for everyone to be a bit lazy and self indulgent? I was fairly sure that's what the Spirit of Xmas said and he's Jesus' brother. Or something. Its all very confusing. All I know is come Easter I'll be eating Chocolate eggs to ward off Zombies in the name of God.
Sorry, temporary gap in blog as I've managed to pour an entire box of washing powder all over the kitchen floor. I can't understand the concept of having to clean stuff up that is used to clean stuff, but it needed to be done. I was tempted to just pour water on it and let Tom and Nat find me having a foam party by myself in the kitchen, but I decided against it. Instead it was all swept and put in the bin, with the hope that some lucky binman in days to come will unexpectedly come home from work smelling of lavender instead of waste. Maybe that will respark the long dead relationship he has with his wife and as she believes he's made an effort once again. They will then rejuvenate their love over Christmas as they are snowed in, until January when he smells of bins again and she leaves him for someone who shampoos. I should point out before I quickly close this chapter of today's blog and return to my previous slant, that yes, we did have lavender washing powder. I could entirely blame this on living with a girl, but in truth I was told to buy it by a man working in Tesco's. He saw me looking at the aisle of bio, non-bio and bionic (I wish) boxes of smelling cleanliness and told me in a thick West Indian accent 'yeah boy you want that one. Make ya smell real nice.' This may sound sterotyped or racist to you, but I would argue that as you are the ones reading it, you've probably given him a more over the top accent than he had, making you the racist. Anyhoo, he then argued about value for money and I stood there concerned as to why he wanted me to smell nice before grabbing it and heading for the dairy produce. Interlude over.
What I was saying is that I'm ready to retire for Xmas now. I have one more gig tonight and then I can officially spend the next few days pretending to be a bear by hiding indoors, pummeling my face with the sort of food that's banned in parts of Europe for health issues and making a pained 'ugh' noise every time I get up as I have to deal with all my newly gained weight. I wish the world would properly embrace Christmas too and similarly all stop and just chill a bit. Admittedly, with the snow mess it all sort of has. I meant in a nicer way though. If everyone, on mutual agreement, just said 'yep, we'll all have a snooze thanks' and I reckon we'd all wake up fresh faced on New Year's Day a much happier bunch. World peace? Getting there just requires a bit of an extended nap in a onesi by the fire. Who's with me? Well not too many of you hopefully as our flat will get cramped and no doubt at least one of you will talk through the Christmas Doctor Who episode ruining everything.
In other news, I'm a bit sick of the snow now. Its not the transport screwing up bit that bothers me, its not the way that everytime I walk up the hill where we live my foot slides a few centimetres backwards on the ice meaning I constantly walk up it one and a half times, nor is it the icy cold that hits me in the face and have ensured that I've kept my thermals on like a second skin as though I'm an arctic Mrs Haversham. No, its the boring boring news headlines. 'Weather continues to cause chaos', 'Britain's caught in the snow's icy grip', 'Snow causes woe'. Its so dull. I'm hoping they'll soon run out and either report real news again or at least start to get inventive. I want to see headlines like 'Its a real icy dickfest!' Or 'Its a proper snowy shitstorm!' Perhaps more daring weathermen will start to give analogies they've thought up. 'Its like someone's throwing stones at your head. Only the stones are snow, the person is a giant and you have the head of an ant.' Something like that. Maybe real news is better....