I'm sure sometimes many of you are driving along and you see a road sign and you think 'well I haven't looked at the highway code in many years, what does it mean?' Well as an extensive driver myself, I have taken it upon myself to update you all in what some of those more obscure signs mean and how they can help you to navigate the British roads that little bit better and safer. We'll start with two I saw last night:
FOG PATCHES - This is an advertisement that was ok'd by the government back in the 60s after far too many people had become addicted to mist. For a while mist filters were handed out but it was discovered that this did not help for those that were heavily addicted to cut down. They would merely have extra mist to make up for what was filtered out. After some later discoveries in science, fog patches were created to help people to wean themselves off mist. The natural development would be from fog patches to small bags of hot breath until eventually they no longer felt any addiction.
SALT SPREADING - a general public warning. Salt is spreading. It started at Salt Lake City in the USA and is gradually making its way around the world. There has been a rapid increase during the winter months and certain towns and villages may become completely invaded by salt. If you see this warning near where you live, proceed to cover your house in wall to wall slugs to stop the salt from infiltrating your living space.
KEEP APART TWO CHEVRONS - Chevrons, much like Chinese Fighting Hamsters, are particularly violent creatures when in each others company. A single chevron would make a rather lovely pet. Its arrow like head often making it seem as though it is smiling. However two Chevrons together looks more like army insignia and therefore they tend to bite at each other until they both lie dead.
MAJOR ROAD WORKS - This is a memorial to Major Road Works who was one of the most influential leaders in the British Territorial Army during the blitz in World War 2. Many paths were damaged by falling doodlebugs but Major Road Works was very quick to repair all transport routes, until one day he sadly died falling backwards over a traffic cone and into a mine. If you see this sign whilst driving, the correct procedure is to remove hands from the steering wheel and salute.
ROAD ACCIDENT 40MPH/50MPH/60MPH etc - This signifies exactly how many Men Per Horse have been injured in the aforementioned accident. As is well known, most motorway accidents are caused by joy riding equestrians, with sometimes up to 70 Men Per Horse injured in any particularly violent pile-ups. It often occurs when a group, perhaps a fox hunting pack of toffs, attempt to leap over all three lanes of cars at once, often failing and dying instantly.
LOW BRIDGE AHEAD - Sometimes, as we all do, bridges get pretty sad. Especially those over troubled water. When driving under or over a low bridge, please wind down your window and offer it words of encouragement. Suggestions include 'there there, you traverse the gap between two points very well'.
GIVE WAY - There is a general way shortage every since Little Miss Muffett eat most of them, whilst curds tend to be in full supply. If you have spare way, you can donate it here into small boxes by the signs.
HIDDEN DIP - Somewhere near this sign is some carefully disguised dip. Depending on the area it may by a savoury dip, such as hummus or cream cheese and chives or if you're especially lucky, it may be a sweet dip such as sherbert or chocolate fondue. The correct procedure if you're lucky enough to stumble upon one of those is to immediately stop the car in the middle of the road and go and have a looksie for your treat.
P - This area has been sponsored by the letter P, the number 12 and the number 6.
That's all for now. Safe driving kids! Although if you are a kid, you shouldn't be driving.