Friday, February 19, 2010
Choose Your Own Blog
It's times like this I think I only write this blog daily to hinder my life possibly becoming easier. Today, among 6 billion other shit things, I've spent two hours sitting in a foyer, spent thirty minutes in an airport security queue behind a moron who didn't realise creams were a liquid' and I've tried to write this blog 6 times with my phone erasing it each and every time I get over a paragraph. So I'm afraid blog readers Belfast has said no to my full on witterings today. If ican find a suitable Internet recepticle tomorrow I'll do a double blog. Till then choose your own 'Tiernan in Belfast Adventures' and feel free to write them below. Best one wins one of the CDs I'm giving away free at my gig on Sunday.
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Tiernan set off early to get through the city.
ReplyDeleteBeeped at by as bus driver ignored by a tube,
he knew today would be nothing but shitty.
To the airport, it couldn't get worse at this stage.
A complete dickhead in the queue at airport security.
What will be next, how about some pilot rage?
Finally arrive safe in Belfast, to the hotel he goes.
Was that "foyer" or "for you" confused he just sits,
a booking fuck up just adds to his woes.
Time to write a blog to pass the time,
but his iPhone won't post it,
so you're stuck with this rhyme.
“In a bizarre twist, it turns out the iphone decided I can write my blog after all, as long as I never hit the return button. I say bizarre, it’s not really that strange given that any time I hit the button, my former attempt at this blog went to fail-heaven, or wherever it is that blogs go that haven’t even existed long enough to know if they believe in the existence of an after-life. I reckon actually what happens is all those failed documents, blogs, e-mails, and other stuff get sucked into some virtual black hole, the other end of which becomes the screens of random people who fall asleep at their computer, and wake up to find they’ve produced sentences like ‘I’ve sat in a foyer for two hours’, and then reckon it’s their subconscious, or maybe their computer, talking to them. Second thoughts, maybe that is a bit bizarre. So anyway, my arrival in Belfast made up for the shittiness that preceded it. I was greeted by airport officials who actually smiled like they wanted me to be there (as opposed to the London ones who kind of smirk like they were in the middle of watching their favourite show, and I was the idiot that disturbed them by being so unreasonable as to want to board a plane at an airport). I decided, rather than schlep around in the rain that, amazingly enough was just as dismal as in London, I’d do something cultural, and as soon as I read the words ‘Ulster-American Folk Park’, I knew that was where I had to be. I mean, who wouldn’t want to go to a park where you could actually see a whole load of americans playing flutes, and dancing with ribbons and bells on their knees?! I was gravely disappointed to find no flutes, no dancing, and not a single american folk (what would be the singular of ‘folk’?) morris dancer. It turned out to be this whole massive village of cottages, and people dressed up in ‘period costume’, doing random things like baking bread and plucking chickens, and telling me about emigration to America. It was all a bit scary, to tell the truth, like I’d somehow walked onto the set of M Night Shymalan’s ‘The Village’ and I wouldn’t be allowed to leave except if I thought the monsters in the woods. The monsters in the woods turned out not to be a more attractive prospect, and I high-tailed it out of there and back to the 21st Century. The gig was a mixed bag. One of my opening gags was about the Titanic. It went down like a ton of bricks. The audience seemed to like the joke though. I think I’m going to end this now - it’s so much more difficult to work out what you’ve actually written when you don’t have paragraph breaks. Like when teachers used to drone on at you for about half an hour, but you couldn’t pick out a single word, because they all kind of ran into each other. Here’s hoping tomorrow will bring decent i-phone workage, and a blog that’s actually funnier than this one here. Right, now to send this thing…”
ReplyDeleteTiernan, I thought you might want to see this - it turned up on my computer screen when I fell asleep on the keyboard last night. At first when I woke up, I thought it was a sign, but then I saw your blog, and it all made sense.
Personally, my favourite bit of Belfast (apart form the brilliant teahouse in town) was the newly refurbished library, where you don’t have to scan out books - you just put them all into some box thing that zaps and just knows what books you got out - I swear it’s like some kind of derren brown thing or something ‘place your books here- no, don’t show me the titles, and don’t show me the barcodes’ - ZAP - here is a list of all your books and their due dates… I think maybe I’m easily pleased.
short and sweet:
ReplyDeletehttp://twitpic.com/144vme